FAST FIVE: "Buff My Balls": Beto O'Rourke Wrote Creepy Poems; Joined Old School "Slaughterhouse" Hacker Group

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In all, more than a dozen members of the group agreed to be named for the first time in a book about the hacking group by this reporter that is scheduled to be published in June by Public Affairs.

-Reuters Reuters notes that there's no indication O'Rourke ever actually did any hardcore hacking – such as “breaking into computers or writing code that enabled others to do so,” however the notion of an ex-hacker running for national office may strike some as extremely controversial – or very cool (though not exactly Zero Cool).  O'Rourke was a misfit teen in El Paso, Texas, in the 1980s when he decided to seek out bulletin board systems – the online discussion forums that at the time were the best electronic means for connecting people outside the local school, church and neighborhood.

“When Dad bought an Apple IIe and a 300-baud modem and I started to get on boards, it was the Facebook of its day,” he said.

I was so fascinated for a moment, that when after I had stopped my vehicle, I just sat in a daze, sweet visions filling my head,” wrote O'Rourke.  In another writing – a poem called “THE SONG OF THE COW,” O'Rourke worships a ball-buffing, butt-shining, ass-waxing cow that provides “milky wonder.”  Lyrics:  I need a butt-shine Right now Your are holy, Oh, sacred cow I thirst for you,  Provide Milk   Buff my balls, Love the Cow, Good fortune for those that do.

Love me, breathe my feet, The Cow has risen.  Wax my ass,  Scrub my balls The Cow has risen, Provide Milk.    Oh, Milky winder, sing for us once more Live your life, everlusting joy.  Thrust your hooves up my analytic passage, Enjoy my fruits   Provider of Cheese and other wonderful dairy products, We will cleanse your inner intestines.

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